I'm feeling as gloomy as the weather here in Syd...

I’ve been pretty stressed up lately – over my PhD work. Things are not going anywhere, and it looks like a lot of optimization has to be done to the experimental setup. Being a student travelling thousands of miles away, from Singapore to Australia is really a double-edged sword. Yes, you can inform everyone from your relatives to all those friends in your handphone that you are travelling to Australia and staying there for 4 years. “For what?” they asked. “I’m going there to do my PhD!” I replied. “Wah!” and their eyes opened as wide as their mouth. It’s a compliment I guess, and in their eyes I would be coming back to Singapore as a PhD graduate, well trained, and demands a higher pay then most of them. That’s the irony. For that, I’m conformed to how people see me, and thus pressurizing myself. Can you imagine how my relatives etc will see me if I just barely scrape through PhD, or that I have no good results and thus cannot get a PhD? How do I answer to my fairy godmother for her financial help that kick started my trip to Australia? I cannot just scrape through my PhD with mediocre performance, let alone come home empty handed – I have to excel. I must push myself. But in research, things cannot be pushed. And the pressure and stress builds up in me… Topped with the fact that I’m the worrisome lot, things sometimes can really be too much to handle that I contemplated to just return to Singapore now and get a job and be done with it. It’s just a passing thought; I have yet to be so mentally unstable as to fulfill it. But I think I am not cut out to be a Principle Investigator in a research area, or to head a research group etc. It will be so much more stressful then now – grant writing to secure funding for research, overseeing the research, pressure to publish papers, and teaching the undergrads etc. As of now, I just wish to get a good paid post-doc job that requires as less brain power as possible after I graduate, and spend time on the things that I like e.g. my future family, travelling etc etc… Nonetheless, what you propose, God will dispose… …

Anyway, bought a pillow cum bolsters from the linen shop below my house, for AUD$23.90. Judging from the brand – Body Mate – I think it’s branded stuffs? Anyway, the shop owner was trying to sell me the cover for it as well, for AUD$23.90 too! In the back of my mind, I was like ‘What? It’s as expensive as the pillow cum bolster!!’ So in the end I just got the bolsters only. Luckily I didn’t buy it, ‘cos I realized that the pillow cum bolster is washable when I went home. So no real need for a cover.