Kev (abr. Kevin)
Irish, Gaelic orgin. Caoimhin.
1. adorable. 2. gentle one

Walkabout (walk-a-bout)
1 (in Oz) - a walk in the Outback by Aborigines that lasts for an indefinite amount of time. 2 (chiefly British) - an informal stroll among a crowd conducted by an important visitor e.g. a monarch. 3 a walking trip.

Wednesday, 20 August 2008

the longest night

I wish I could write this post in better circumstances, and fact is there were better instances just a couple of days ago. But, everything just went down hill since Monday. What else could it be regarding but my research project?

I see myself as a calm lake. The surface of the lake is so still that you can be blinded by the reflection of the sun from the lake surface. But yet, underneath such deceiving calmness lies the emotional undercurrent so strong that no plants or life can establish a foothold. On the outside, I may appear well, or barely scraping through in handling the constant stresses of a PhD research route, but deep down it's always a constant struggle.

Faith? Faith that everything will come to be alright eventually? How is it possible to have faith when you're being stuck down to the valley floor almost every time you are about to climb out of the dark abyss? It would seems I would have more faith in staying in the dungeon of despair than escaping. Hope? The more you hope for, the harder you fall. I daren't hope. Not even so much as to hope I can graduate.

But yet, as certain as hope and faith slowly slip away from my grasp, a part of me urges me to carry on. But how far can I go on, constantly being abused psychologically by myself? Like holding on to sand particles, the longer and harder I tried to hold on to hope, to faith, I could feel myself slipping away.

I've thought of giving up, throwing in the towel, simply just pack my bags and left. But I just don't have the courage, to face my mentor, to face my friends, and to face myself for being a failure. So how can I be 'honourably discharged' from my research? Accident? Yes, hopefully some sickness or accident would render me a few months or a year's break, and thus it would be perfectly alright to discontinue my research studies. Morbid? I sure am. That is what constant psychological stresses and cowardice left me with.

I wish I can be numb of feelings and emotion towards my research. It is the only way I know of to survive these trying years. No hope, no faith, no expectation and I will have no disappointment, no sorrow, no despair.


Murshidism said...

be brave bro...good luck in your PhD..!

Jean Chia aka Ms.Yummy~licious said...

kev, i can relate! I've been struggling in a specific area of my life all thsi while. It has nvr been peaceful. Just like you said, one afetr another. When i've just settled the first problem, the second one came, or soemtimes while i'm still struggling, another ne came. When is this gonna stop? I am so tired of living my life like this. I questioned God at the back of my mind. If you are really here with me, why are you letting me to go through this?

I've been very blessed because God have been truly with me all this while. I am so glad to know Him. Without him, i would have been so depressed and my life would be without meaning. God has promise not to leave us nor forsake us. He has said in the bible that we can go through anything by the stregth that the Holy Spirit gave. Stand firm, Kev! Never let obstacles or circumstances be a burden to you. But instead bring all these to Jesus for he has said, "Leave all yr worries to me becasue I care for you". God wanted us to communicate with him. Talk to him and Have faith. In His time, you will succeed!! Never judge God's work through the eyes of man. God has His way of doing things and we must wait patiently.

Have faith, Kev! "No one can pleases God without faith!" I pray that you will have the peace of Christ in yr heart and i pray that God will help us to constantly reminding each others of His love to us.


Jean Chia aka Ms.Yummy~licious said...

oh btw, kev! i've got a tag for you! come & get it!! it's time for fun! :)

bokjae said...

Hey kev, yeah in life we go through such struggles! Now its about your PhD and perhaps later in life, some other issues! I guess its part of learning and accepting challenges! No sweat and tears no real gain! Yeah, take a bit of time off, take a step back and recharge! You will be able to finish your work! We stand by you and nothing is final until one gives up! Cheerio bro! Rest, Rest Rest and then Go! Go! Go!

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